This post is the second in a series of essays examining how the #Four Foolish Rules we’ve considered over the last several weeks would apply to specific situations. You may want to go back and read this series, including the introduction, before you consider this post.
The Scenario
Pat has been coming to your church for several months. He attends worship most weeks, and often joins in the fellowship and adult learning time that follows. He doesn’t share a lot about himself, but you’ve heard him mention that he has a rough past. From context you can guess that includes things like addiction, incarceration, and poverty, but you’ve never really asked, and he hasn’t volunteered any answers. He shows up freshly washed, wearing somewhat tattered clothing and scuffed shoes. This morning you greeted him in the parking lot as he pulled in alongside you in his serviceable but aging Chevy. “Good morning, Pat,” you said with a smile. He waved back as he hurried on into the church.
As you pause to reach into the back seat for the brownies you brought for fellowship time, Sharon walks over with a stormy look on her face. “I saw you talking to that Pat,” she says, looking across the parking lot at the door that just closed behind him. “I think it’s time to do something about him.”
You think over how to respond. You’re a leader in this church, and it’s clear she wants you to do something, but you’re at a loss to know what’s on her mind. You close your car door, and look at her with all the concern you can muster. “Good morning, Sharon. What exactly do we need to do something about?” you say. You think of the scuffed shoes, the uncertain history. Does she think he’s not fit for your church?
Sharon’s answer surprises you. “About his begging,” she answers. “He keeps asking people for money. Surely he’s asked you!”
The truth is, Pat did ask you for money, way back when you first knew him. He told you some story about a utility bill and a shutoff date, and you said with little ado, “I’m sorry; I can’t help you with that,” and nothing like that has happened since.
What you now learn is that Pat made a similar request to Sharon, and to Rick and Carol, and some others. Several of them pulled a few bills out of their wallets, trying to be helpful. And thus began a pattern, evidently, of Pat asking for money. One time it was for his rent. Once it was money for his travels to a brother’s funeral. Another time he talked about car repairs, and so on.
The more these requests piled up, the more people began to wonder whether Pat is telling the truth. How is he spending the money? Why can’t he figure out to live on what he has? Did he really have a brother who died in Phoenix?
You let Sharon tell what she has heard. “Rick won’t come to church so long as Pat keeps coming,” she says. “He’s tired of being manipulated. And I am, too. This isn’t what I come to church for!”
You wonder how all this could have been going on, all these months, without you knowing. You think you have a pretty good read on most of the people in this church, and this revelation feels unsettling. You look Sharon in the eye and say, sincerely, “I’m sorry this has been happening. I truly didn’t know. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I’ll talk to some of the other leaders and we’ll figure something out.”
Sharon thanks you for hearing her out, and you head together into the church. “Those brownies look fabulous,” she says, as you head for the fellowship area. “Better save one for Pat!” she whispers with a sly smile.
Some Observations
First of all, I think you handled this scenario pretty well. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Someone drops a mess into your lap, when you weren’t expecting it, and you don’t have time for it, nor know quite what to do with it. Take a minute to breathe through the memories this scenario triggers for you.
Here are a few things that jump out at me:
- It’s kind of unfair for Sharon to drop this on you in this particular moment. You’re trying to get inside with your brownies and whatever else you needed to do before worship begins.
- Then again, maybe this conversation with Sharon is what you needed to do before worship begins.
- What you do next will have a lot to do with what you know of Sharon. Is she a trustworthy source? Sometimes we have experiences with people who regularly overreact or stir up trouble. For purposes of this discussion, let’s assume you generally find Sharon to be believable and well-intentioned. You are inclined to take her concern seriously.
- It’s worth pausing for a moment to wonder if there’s a deeper agenda here, either with Sharon, or with Rick, or the reported “others” who have had a bad experience with Pat. Could it be that these friends are feeling uncomfortable with a person like Pat coming into their midst? Maybe there are plenty of folks in your church who have life experiences similar to Pat’s. (I hope there are!) If there aren’t, these friends wouldn’t be the first good church people to find themselves uncomfortable in the face of difference. Sometimes when we cannot name that real discomfort, we’ll find other, more seemingly legitimate complaints , when our real (possibly unconscious) agenda is to exclude this very different person.
Applying the #FourFoolishRules
Keeping all of those perspectives in view, let’s consider how the #FourFoolishRules could have informed this encounter. We’ll cover Rules 1 & 2 here, and pick up 3 and 4 next week.
Rule #1: Everything Belongs. Pat belongs. He belongs along with whatever he is bringing with him–his history, his reticence about it, his scruffiness, his sad excuse for a car, his willingness to show up week after week, and his comments in the adult Bible Study he attends. Whatever needs he has in connection with utilities, rent, car repairs, travels–these things belong, too. If he is making excessive or manipulative and possibly even untruthful requests of members of the congregation, let’s remember that his impulse to do that belongs, too. His need, his requests–all of that comes out of life experiences that have taught him this is what he needs to do.
Thinking about the other people in this scenario, their reactions belong, too. Sharon’s sense of responsibility to bring this to your attention: That belongs. Her choice of doing it on the way in to worship: That belongs. Rick’s reported ultimatum about not attending while Pat remains: That belongs, too, and Sharon’s anxiety (and yours!) about that actually happening, and perhaps spilling over to others. The ripple effect of whatever Pat has or hasn’t done or said: That belongs.
I always worry that when I say “Yep, it belongs!” it will sound like I mean it’s good, and proper, and acceptable. We’ll get to those questions in Rule #3, next week. There’s plenty of room later for the value judgments.
But the first thing has to be to allow everything to belong, for a moment at least, before we pick it up and examine it further. We give it a moment instead of chasing it into hiding. We get to be honest about the full range of reactions and emotions and impositions. We don’t have to censor ourselves, or other people. Being honest about what’s actually happening in ourselves and others is an important element of these #FourFoolishRules. Our life together will be healthier when we can begin here.
This includes looking at what’s happening in the “you” in this scenario. What about your part of this story do you need to acknowledge as belonging?
- Your slight unease around Pat, whose story you don’t fully know.
- Your desire not to feel unease about Pat, because you take seriously the call to love your neighbor.
- Your desire to get inside with your brownies. (The struggle is real!)
- Your impatience with Sharon choosing this particular moment to unload this big concern on you.
- Your uncertainty about what to do with this.
- Your embarrassment that you didn’t know anything about this problem with Pat, especially when it’s clear others have been talking and not including you.
- Your worry about what will happen when this problem gets talked about with other leaders in your church who may not be as committed to loving Pat as you are.
All these reactions–and many more–belong. It’s OK for you to feel what you feel. You will bring all of this to what you do next, whether or not you acknowledge it. Your life together with Pat, Sharon, Rick, and everyone else will be stronger if you start from a stance of it all belongs.
Rule #2: Relationship First. I wonder if you notice the relationship problem that sits at the very center of this scenario. It’s one that happens pretty often when someone comes into our circle. We forget this first rule. We think it’s enough to let our programs do the work.
So, in this scenario, we welcomed Pat into three consecutive weekly programs: worship, fellowship, and Sunday School. At least we learned his name! Maybe we heard a stray comment here and there that told us a bit about him.
But I wonder: Did we ever make room for a real conversation with Pat as a human being with a history and hopes and challenges and circumstances we cannot imagine? There’s no indication in the scenario that “you” ever tried to do that. You might have wondered; you made some guesses. But you never said that you had made a sincere effort to engage Pat in a conversation about his story. You didn’t describe your relationship with this person who is Pat.
If you didn’t, maybe no one else did, either. It happens. It can take a long time for a new person to feel known when they start attending a church. Some of that may be on them; they could make a bigger effort! But it’s on us to make room for that kind of knowing to grow.
Especially when there are indicators that a person might feel “different” from most everyone there–whether that’s socioeconomics, race, ethnicity, gender expression, sexual orientation, criminal history, health, or other factors–we who lead will have to find ways to welcome those conversations. To not do so will communicate that these differences are unwelcome. Unspeakable.
From the scenario, it sounds to me like you haven’t really made a meaningful effort to know Pat, beyond a casual wave or greeting now and again. You are vaguely friendly. But there’s no real relationship there.
I wonder if there is with anyone else.
A lot of mischief can flow from the problem of there being no relationship with the person at the center of the scenario. Do you see that?
When Pat goes to Sharon or Rick or others and asks for money, they probably don’t look at it as a relationship moment, either. They perceive that they are reluctant participants in a program devised by Pat, for his own benefit. They likely respond with an urgency to extricate themselves from this uncomfortable interchange, with the smallest cost both of cash and time.
How different might that moment have been if, when Pat started talking about the utility shutoff notice, Rick had said, “Pat, I am so sorry to hear that. I can imagine that would be really upsetting. Tell me more about how you’re doing.” Or “We can talk in a minute about the utility thing. But I feel like I don’t even know you. Let’s have a cup of coffee and I’d love to hear more about your story.”
I realize that kind of response will feel utterly unthinkable to some of us. I get that. We haven’t practiced this kind of conversation, and relationship. But we have been called to it. That “love your neighbor” thing that Jesus insisted on points us clearly in this direction.
Having started with a relationship, you and Rick and Sharon and the others would have a stronger frame of reference to understand what’s going on with Pat, both in general, and when his money woes get mentioned. You could talk about what options he had explored, and whether this is a temporary problem or evidence of a deeper mess. You might be able to see more clearly whether he’s being honest or engaging in unhealthy patterns.
I won’t take time here to explore the relationships here other than with Pat. But of course Relationship First comes up in every one of these connections. With Sharon, and with Rick & Carol, and with the others Pat has imposed upon, and with the leaders you’ll contact next. We’ll never have deep, strong, perfect relationships with everyone in our churches (or in the rest of our lives, for that matter). But do we know one another? Does real relationship characterize our community?
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We have much more to discuss, with Rules #3 and #4, which will come in next week’s post. I’ll include any reflections prompted by your feedback, so please share your insights and questions. Until then….
Photo by York Press, via grumpytyke, “WordPress with a Begging Bowl,” posted June 11, 2018.
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