Do you know that old saying, “Good fences make good neighbors”? Today’s Rule #3 is connected to the truth of that saying.
We’ll live more peacefully alongside other people when we keep our fences in good repair. It’s a basic truth of Life Together.
Good fences might look like actual fence posts and woven wire that separates your cattle on one side from the neighbor’s on the other. Adjoining farmers are wise to pay attention to such things. It prevents angry exchanges and confusion and the extra, inconvenient work of sorting animals that have scrambled from one side to the other.
Good fences might look like a well written contract that anticipates possible problems and codifies the parties’ agreement as to who’s responsible for what if those things happen.
Good fences can be that posted list of “do’s” and “don’t’s” that are clear and sensible. They include things like road signs and speed limits, professional certifications and exams, and so-called “dead-man switches” on power tools and lawn tractors.
In the #FourFoolishRules, it’s no surprise that good fences show up. We’ll never be able to do life together in a reasonable way, and we won’t be able to sustain the arms-open welcome of Rule #1, unless we build in good boundaries for what happens in the spaces we’ve created. We make it clear what is and isn’t appropriate. We address misbehavior promptly and even-handedly, with a minimum of fuss and without involving unnecessary persons. I described that in Chapter 4 of Foolish Church as practicing “a healthy, hospitable ‘no'” (p. 61).
Can we do it?
We can probably all think of times we haven’t said “no” right away and later wished we had. The towel he left on the floor. The thermostat she changed with no discussion. The phone call he took during dinner. The time she got home so much later than we expected. When someone crosses a line that leaves us resentful or prompts a passive-aggressive response on our part, we’re in the territory of boundaries. Evidently they crossed one of yours–maybe one you didn’t know you had. Boundaries become evident when they’re crossed.
Boundaries become evident when they’re crossed.
When you notice that, you can stay silent, or fume, or get back at them. Or, if you’re trying to follow the #FourFoolishRules, you’ll address it as a question of Good Boundaries.
(Actually, I hope you’ll pause to recall with Rule #1 that “Everything Belongs.” The phone call belongs; your carefully prepared dinner, or barely-thrown-together one, belongs; your annoyance belongs; the things you had hoped to discuss over dinner belong, and so on. And then recall Rule #2, which points us to “Relationship First.” Before you start the boundaries conversation, check in from a relationship perspective. Knowing what’s going on with each of you will helpfully shape whatever conversation you decide to broach about boundaries.)
Where are the boundaries we need to set? A good boundary addresses behavior in our midst that interferes with what we’re trying to do together. There’s a lot wrapped up in that sentence; let’s break it down.
A good boundary addresses behavior in our midst that interferes with what we’re trying to do together.
Good boundaries are, first, about behavior in our midst. They aren’t about long-past actions or identities. They’re about behavior happening now–or recently enough that it has an impact now. Drinking too much alcohol before they come home is a behavior “in our midst” if it affects us at home. Waving a gun inside a church building full of people is obviously behavior “in our midst.” A Facebook post that expresses support for the NRA or unfettered gun access is not.
Good boundaries, second, address behavior that interferes with what we’re trying to do together. Many things happen in our midst that don’t interfere at all with what we’re there for. It’s when people’s actions begin to get in the way of what we’re doing together that we need good boundaries.
One more thing about this statement. It requires us to think about what we’re trying to do together. What are we doing in that relationship where we’re eating dinner together and their phone rings? Is it a mutually supportive, long term relationship where a call from their mother, their co-worker, or their best friend is within what we both might want to care about? Is it a third date where it feels like any outside intrusion is working against what we had imagined for this time together?
What we’re trying to do together in a setting like church isn’t a single answer. Someone’s behavior in our midst might happen during worship, or during choir practice, or as we’re gathering for Bible study or youth group. It’s worth remembering that each of these contexts, and many others, involve different answers to this question of what we’re trying to do together, and what would interfere with that.
Let’s consider an example of a possible boundary that I’ve heard in church, which I’ve heard said to children in more than one church: “No running in the sanctuary.” (I talked about this in my message last Sunday (starting at about minute 20:00), if you want to tune in!) Is this a Good Boundary? To answer that question, let’s apply our question: Is it a behavior in our midst that interferes with what we’re trying to do together?
It’s clearly a behavior in our midst. It’s focused on something that’s happening here and now (if we’re blessed to have such running children).
Does it interfere with what we’re trying to do together? Some instances of running could interfere with what we’re doing. If they run around and between their elders’ legs as we’re walking in or out of worship, or going forward for Holy Communion, that could interfere, right? Someone could trip over a wayward child. Someone could lose their balance and fall. There’s also a distraction factor, especially if worship has already begun.
There are times when kids could run around and no one would be at risk. When the building is empty, or nearly empty, it’s hard to imagine someone being injured or even distracted, really, just because a child runs through the space. There might be other things we are doing together, though, that would be threatened by such behavior. Do we understand ourselves to be creating a holy, peaceful space, and nurturing that awareness in all who enter? Some congregations will answer that question with a forceful “yes.”
Some churches might say, “What we’re doing in our church, above all, is creating a space where children of all ages feel welcomed and valued.” Members of that church might smile with indulgent joy when they glimpse a child running up a vacant center aisle. They’d probably shush that person who dares to say, “No running.”
So is “No running in the sanctuary” a Good Boundary? This discussion suggests that it depends. Answering that question will depend on the church and its priorities and, in part, who’s at the table as that decision gets considered. Or–in reality–who takes it upon herself to say it’s a rule, without any real consideration at all. I would guess that many things that many of us say in many churches are sayings like that, “NO RUNNING,” that were said to us, way back when, handed down from generation to generation.
Which brings me back to “Good fences make good neighbors.” Many of us know that line because it appears in a Robert Frost poem, “Mending Wall,” repeated by a neighbor who insists on the yearly ritual of walking the stone fence that bounds the two farmers’ property, picking up and replacing the rocks that have fallen since last year.
But the poem as a whole does not celebrate this proverb. Instead, it questions the need for such fences with this refrain: “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.” Indeed, that particular wall makes no sense:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
It’s a poignant reminder of what I mean by the “Good” in “Good Boundaries.” We’re likely to put some of them where they aren’t needed, and it can be hard to get rid of them. Let’s be thoughtful and careful with the boundaries we set, and let’s look square at them after they’ve been there awhile. Are they still needed? Are they still helpful in limiting behavior in our midst that interferes with what we’re trying to do together? If not, let’s let them go.
Photo by Edgardo Bautista Jr. on Unsplash
Leave a Reply