The promise of the church has always included connection across generations, people of all ages getting connected and practicing relationship and genuine love with one another. I can testify to the truth of that happening across the decades of my life. It has always been one of my favorite things about church.
Trouble is, it’s barely true anymore.
It is no surprise to most of us church folk that our churches are aging, and we aren’t connecting well with people of younger generations. (Here’s one among a multitude of articles on this phenomenon.) I see it in person among the many dozens of churches I’ve visited in my work with Women at the Well, over the past nine years. We’re almost all older and grayer now, with a dwindling number of children and young adults, or even parents-of-high-school-age people. It’s not true in every church. But it’s true overall.
So our fellowship hour increasingly looks like this:
And we often look like that group of friends, deeply engaged with one another, and not all that interested in talking to someone who may be new this morning.
I saw this very clearly a few weeks ago when I went to an unfamiliar church with my son and daughter-in-law, who are 28 and 25, respectively. At 56, I was probably 10-15 years younger than the average age of the worshippers in that church, but I experienced a warm and lavish welcome. Between the door and the coat rack, I was greeted five or six times, and after I sat in a pew, two different people engaged me in conversation.
After the service, the person in front of me complimented me on my singing, and as I was putting on my jacket, another woman told me how much I reminded her of a dear cousin. We had a short, sweet conversation about “dear cousins,” of which I have many. I left with a smile on my face.
At lunch afterward, I commented on how friendly that church was, and my son fixed me with a contrary stare. “What?” I asked. “You didn’t feel that?” He and my daughter-in-law proceeded to describe their very different experience of that church. Not a single person (besides me!) spoke to either of them, other than maybe a “good morning” from the person who handed them a bulletin. Not before the service. Not after the service. Not at all. Nothing.
They report a pretty similar experience in other churches they’ve visited.
Now, I realize that I am not reporting a scientifically proven outcome. But this experience has made me pay attention, since then, at the way I see people interacting–or failing to interact–with people who are more than a generation or so different in age. And here’s my takeaway, from these observations that are mostly about us “older” people and our interactions with those who are “younger”:
Good grief. Do we not know how to talk to young people? Seriously?
I’m curious how you see this. If you have experiences that prove or disprove my observations, I’d love to hear them via comment on this post or by e-mail at foolishchurch@gmail.com. I hope you personally and your churches corporately are doing better than what I’ve been observing. It may be helpful for us all to think about why this is hard; I found this article (the source of the first pic above) helpful, but just one among many.
And then, just like in February, I’m going to invite us to do some experimenting with this. Here’s my “practicing foolishness” invitation for March. Just like I explained in that February post, if you reply by Monday at noon, I’ll add you to those who responded last month, draw out a name, and send one of you a Fools’ Manual! So, scroll down for the prompt!
For March:
(And, yes, I’m making this so crazy simple that dozens of you oughtta respond. Ready?)
Take out a piece of paper, or hit the “comment” button on this post, or open up an e-mail to me at FoolishChurch@gmail.com and send me 3 ways you could initiate a conversation with a person who’s 20 years younger than you. OR, for those of you who are under 40: 3 ways someone 20 years older than you could initiate a conversation with you. By “initiate a conversation,” I mean a good one. I mean a conversation you’d both want to be in. I mean a conversation, where your first words might lead to a friendly exchange. I mean an exchange that you’d both leave smiling. Get it?
If this seems elementary, you’re right! This should be second nature! (Oh, that it were.)
You don’t actually have to have any of these conversations, BTW. This is a thought experiment. If you were to find an opportunity to actually try one or more of these ideas, and you send me that reflection as well, you get extra points (an extra entry in the drawing!). And if it happens in the context of church, even more extra points! But the assignment is simply to think about this, to be prepared, to do some imagining.
Because the first step to practically anything we want to practice is imagining doing it.
Ready? OK, I’ll be watching my inbox for your responses, and I’ll share and consider them next week, here.
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