Last week in this space I asked you to try this:
Take out a piece of paper, or hit the “comment” button on this post, or open up an e-mail to me at FoolishChurch@gmail.com and send me 3 ways you could initiate a conversation with a person who’s 20 years younger than you. OR, for those of you who are under 40: 3 ways someone 20 years older than you could initiate a conversation with you. By “initiate a conversation,” I mean a good one. I mean a conversation you’d both want to be in. I mean a conversation, where your first words might lead to a friendly exchange. I mean an exchange that you’d both leave smiling. Get it?
I had some responses that are geared toward starting a conversation in church–although they could be adjusted for other settings. Each of these begins, by the way, with a smile, looking the person in the eye, and introducing oneself with something like, “Hi, I’m ____________.” Then, with genuine interest and friendly curiosity:
- What brings you here this morning?
- Are you from here or are you visiting?
- Do you come for the theology or the coffee? <with a wink of sorts>
- What kind of work do you do?
- Are you trying out this church, or have I just not met you before? (You say the last part in case they’ve been there lots of time and you don’t realize it.)
- [If they’re young or this is a college town] Are you in school here?
(And, BTW, don’t these ideas make you look forward to the day when we can practice them again?!)
In addition to these very specific ideas, here are a couple of situational approaches that may be helpful:
7. Notice something about them that you can legitimately (and generously) comment on. “I enjoyed listening to you sing this morning; you have a lovely voice.” or “I was admiring your scarf/jacket/shoes” and say a word about how you connect to that. “It reminds me of my daughter,” or whatever the reason and, briefly, why. If they’re wearing a team sweatshirt or jacket with a logo, that may be a jumping-off point. “I’m a Notre Dame fan, too; do you have a connection there?” or if, say, it’s an Apple logo, “Are you an Apple genius?” If they have kids with them, this becomes much easier. “What darling children! How old are they?” or comment on their behavior (if it’s good!), and you’ll be off and running.
8. Pick up on something in that space that you’re sharing, and begin there. “I’m still catching my breath after that amazing cello solo. What did you think about it?” or “That sermon gave me some real food for thought about [name that thing]” or “Did you notice the sun through that window this morning? I’ve barely been able to pay attention to anything else!” You’d have to go from there into some other things, like in #1-#7 above, but it would signal that you’re willing and interested in having a conversation.
Connecting outside of church could be easier in some ways. One of you said, “If I were at Joann’s or in a quilt shop, it would be easy. I would ask them about their current project or what they hoped to learn/do. Quilters and crafters really don’t have age boundaries!” The same could be true at a gym, or in a gaming league, or at a cooking class. Doing an activity together can be a great leveler of age and experience.
Being thrown into the same situation can have a similar effect. When we stand in line with other people (when we can, again!) at the bank or a grocery store, or in an airport, or to vote, we automatically have something to connect over. We’re engaged in a similar activity; we’re connected by circumstance for that moment. There’s almost always something you could say in that moment to start a simple, easy conversation. Again, think of how to make that generous and open. “Looks like you must be throwing a party” to someone who has a cart full of beverages, napkins, cookies, and chips. “Where are you from?” in a setting like Disney where there are lots of travelers. Or “I want to try something new today; do you have a favorite?” at Panchero’s.
Initiating that conversation out in the world can be harder in some ways. In church, it will probably not come as a surprise that someone would talk to you. But the person next to you in line at Home Depot may not expect that. You might get rebuffed. Is it worth trying anyway? I think it is. If nothing else, we’ll get some good practice, with nothing much to lose, and we’ll learn some things about how to talk to people.
That’s actually one of the surprises for me about this question of talking across generations. There isn’t a single suggestion here that is specific to any age, or difference in ages. You could try any of these ideas with someone of any age. I framed it as a cross-generation question because of my recent experience that I described last week. But in the end it’s not about generations; it’s about people!
So perhaps the key takeaway is that of course we should be reaching out to one another with real conversations. Of course that’s true with people who are younger, with whom we fifty- or sixty- or older-somethings might assume we have little in common. We’re all just people! There’s something in us that wants to be seen and known. Jesus taught us–repeatedly–to love one another. That love has to start somewhere, with some kind of interaction.
The interaction that will get us to real conversation, and the possibility of loving relationship, will be one that isn’t just filling time like you might with a passerby. Vague comments about the weather or some sporting event do not communicate that you’re interested in getting to know someone. If we’re going to be a people marked by love, we’ll have to be willing to get more personal. We’ll have to move past “lots of rain we’ve been having,” and get to something more like “how is this constant rain affecting you?” Do you notice the difference?
As circumstances permit, we’ll hit the ground running, making those connections. Can’t wait!
Photo from an article by the Ridgefield (CT) Visiting Nurse Association.
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